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Ultraforge Online Magazine
The Journal About Everything and Nothing
Potatoes Make Bad Housepets 
10th-Apr-2006 10:25 pm
I once had a pet potato. Bad choice. Let me explain why.

You see, the potato is stupid. You can't teach it to do anything. I tried teaching Bruce (that was my potato's name) how to roll over. Nothing. He'd just sit there looking at me like, "What?" Since that didn't work I tried teaching him to fetch. He just sat there once again looking at me with that blank expression potatos always have on their faces.

Teach him to guard the house? Nope.

Teach him to kill mice? Nada.

Teach him to scratch on the door when he wanted to go outside? No. He'd just sit there peeing an pooping on the carpet.

He was abysmally stupid, kind of like David Hasselhoff or 50 Cent. Yes, the potato is definitely the least intelligent member of the berry family by far. I should have got a turnip or a coconut instead. They're far more intelligent than potatoes. Some of them even hold high public positions in government or the psychiatric field. Some turnips and cocnuts have even gone on to become famous actors, actresses, and singers who distinguish themselves by becoming spokespeople for Scientology.

Anyway, Bruce was about as sharp as a koosh ball. So what else could I do? I killed him, cut him up, fried him in a pan, and ultimately ate him. He was delicious.

Oh, look. You're getting all judgmental with me now. You're probably a member of People For The Ethical Treatment of Berries or some shit like that. Well, screw you and your sissyfied emo hand-wringing. Bruce was too stupid to care what was happening to him. Besides, I see you self-righteous bastards sneaking off to McDonalds when you think nobody's looking. Freakin' hypocrites. Who are you to criticize?

Bruce was stupid, ugly, and useless. He deserved to die.

This psychotic episode has been brought you by the fine folks who make Lithium™.

Lithium™. It's Lithi-umm-umm good! :p
Data: "WTF?"
11th-Apr-2006 12:20 pm (UTC)
I have to admit that I'm amused by this.
11th-Apr-2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
The reason it's funny is because it makes absolutely no sense.
11th-Apr-2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
Hahaha. I hope I don't sound easily amused when I say that made my day. :D
11th-Apr-2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear it, Sue. :)
11th-Apr-2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
That was the funniest fucking thing I've read in a while.
11th-Apr-2006 11:54 pm (UTC)
You know what's weird, Phe? I have no idea where that piece came from.

13th-Apr-2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
Your sick little mind, that's where...
11th-Apr-2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
LOL! Bruce obviously had it coming.
11th-Apr-2006 11:56 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I start to feel a twinge of guilt over what I did to Bruce.

And then lunch time arrives and I remeber how good hash browns and curly fries are! >:D
12th-Apr-2006 07:02 pm (UTC) - HE WAS DELICIOUS!
He was abysmally stupid, kind of like David Hasselhoff or 50 Cent.

that bit was the best. i snickered the whole time reading the post.
12th-Apr-2006 08:54 pm (UTC) - Re: HE WAS DELICIOUS!
I wonder who else I could have compared to a potato?

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